Laughter:  Medicine for the Soul
    Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading DR. SMITH AND DR. JONES, PSYCHIATRY AND PROCTOLOGY.
   The chamber of commerce was not happy with that sign, so the good doctors changed it to HYSTERIAS AND POSTERIORS.
   This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to SCHIZOIDS AND HEMORRHOIDS.
   No go, so they tried CATATONICS AND HIGH COLONICS.
Thumbs down again, so they tried MANIC-DEPRESSIVES AND ANAL-RETENTIVES. Still no good.
   Thinking that a rhyming sign might win approval, they tried MINDS AND BEHINDS, then LOST SOULS AND A**HOLES. Still no go.    Nor did ANALYSIS AND ANAL CYSTS, QUEERS AND REARS, NUTS AND BUTTS, FREAKS AND CHEEKS, or LOONS AND MOONS work either.
   They finally settled on DR. SMITH AND DR.JONES, ODDS AND ENDS.

   An elderly man went to see his cardiologist and had a lengthy consultation.
   A couple of days later the cardiologist saw the old gentleman walking down the street arm-in-arm with a tall, elegant young woman.
   The cardiologist stopped and talked to the old man, and he, of course, asked who the young woman was. The old man replied,"I am just following your advice, doc--she is my new girlfriend."
   The cardiologist was perplexed,"Advice? What advice?"
   The old man replied,"You told me to get a hot momma and be cheerful!"
   To which the cardiologist replied,"I said,"You have a heart murmur--be careful!"


    "Doc, you've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
   The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to her,"Give me twenty bucks, I really need twenty bucks."
   "I've never seen or heard anything like this before; how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
   "That's nothing, Doc, put your ear to my knee."
   The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need ten dollars, just lend me ten bucks!"
   "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."
   "Wait, Doc, that's not it, there's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
   The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear the ankle plead, "Please, I just need five dollars. Lend me five bucks, please, if you will."
   "I have never seen anything like this," the doctor said."but it sounds to me like your leg is broke in three places."


  Puns
    1.   Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
    2.  She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    3.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    4.  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    5.  The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    6.  He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    7.  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

  Assertiveness Training
    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The    psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath water so I can relax.  And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 
     "The funeral director," said his wife.


Medical Humor

     A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.  Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

     At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.  "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA.

     I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't  seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI.

      During sick call at a military base, I was taking care of a young mechanic with cold symptoms.  When asked what he  had taken for his symptoms he replied, "WD-40".  Fortunately, upon further questioning it was actually Vicks 44.  Dr. Mark Hinman, Longmont, CO.

     And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."




If you have a favorite medical joke you would like to share send it to mwhinman@comcast.net.
Please keep in mind that not all jokes may be appropriate for publication on this web site. Thank you.


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